Parenting: Joy or Horror?
I read the New York Magazine issue with the cover story “I love my children. I hate my life,” accompanied by a photo of a sad looking woman holding a baby, but I didn’t give it too much thought.
The parents were surveyed in the thick of parenting. If you survey anyone in the thick of anything enriching (finals during college, standing in line for security in order to travel, even falling in love) they’re likely to say that it sucks. But in retrospect these are the most life-affirming and identity-forming experiences.
One guy in the article remembers watching TV in bed with his sick family. At the time it was miserable, but looking back it was one of his happiest memories.
I’m not saying everyone should have children, I’m just saying that every experience should be judged in its entirety. Including parenting.
My friends and I emailed about this article and had some debate over the line:
“Should you value moment-to-moment happiness more than retrospective evaluations of your life?”
My friend D: “If you’re not primarily living in the now – every now – then you’re not really living. And arguably that moment-to-moment happiness sums up to greater overall happiness than simply generating happiness from past memories that may not have been happy in the moment.”
Me: “If we only cared about moment to moment happiness we would all be beach bums with no long term goals or aspirations. If we only cared about retrospect we would probably never find happiness in the day to day, and essentially always be unhappy.”
My friend C: “In the moment reflection isn’t always accurate.”
We didn’t reach any firm conclusions.
